Never Meant To Hurt You

[confessorlove]

Title: Never Meant to Hurt You
Author: confessorlove
Pairing: Richard and Kahlan
Rating: PG - 13
Summary: During Episode 2x03 Broken instead of being brought out of the Condar by Richard, she confesses him first.  What happens when his love isn't yet strong enough to protect him?
Author's Notes: Written for dark_fest  and the prompt Richard/Kahlan - Accidental confession.  Thanks to they awesomeballecer  for the beta. ILU bb
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just like to make them do my bidding.

 

She was never the same person once the Condar got a hold of her.  She had no reason, no control.  She felt like nothing more than a wild animal bent on revenge.  She hated that part of her.  When Cara told her that it was pointless, that her sister was dead by her hand, she flew into a rage.  The Condar gripping her very soul, pulling all the understanding and reason from her leaving only hate and revenge in its wake.  She didn’t listen when Richard tired to talk her down.  She just kept trying to reach for Cara.  Nothing was going to stop her from extracting her vengeance. 

He pinned her to the ground and told Cara to run but Kahlan paid no heed.  He was in the way of her revenge.  Before Richard knew what was happening he felt her arm break free of his grip, grasping his neck quickly and releasing her powers.  He never had time to think.  She had all the time in the world and now he was hers.  He released her, his eyes staring down at her with the blind devotion of the confessed.  “Mistress how can I please you?”

Kahlan was oblivious to Zedd’s cries.  The only thing that mattered was the man straddling her waist, her red eyes boring into his dark brown ones; she felt something inside her break when those words spilled from his lips. It all washed over her, the realization of what she did clearing her mind of everything else.  Her eyes welled with tears as her hand flew to her mouth, unsuccessfully suppressing the sob attempting to escape.  “Richard?”  She wailed the pain in her voice obvious.  She was paid no heed to Zedd’s sadness; she was too overwhelmed with her own.

“Yes Mistress?” He questioned her in a very tentative tone, as if he could sense her distress and wished to cause no further sadness for his mistress.

Seeing him like that,  the look of utter devotion plastered on his face, the complete tone of love coating his voice and so unlike his normal one.  Her heart broke and racking sobs over took her.  He was hers now but not because he wished it.  Because she had taking his soul, there was nothing left save the hollow shell of a man he once was.  She knew what she had to do.  She had to release him.

“Richard before I release you please kiss me.”

Before she could blink he had his lips on hers, kissing her with a burning passion he had hardly ever expressed before.  She kissed him back despite the lump rising in her throat.  She was dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of dread building within her heart.  She was gasping for breath when she broke the kiss, staring deeply into the dark brown eyes that no longer looked at her the same way.  “I love you Richard.  Always remember how much I love you.”

Realization seemed to dawn on him as she reached for her dagger, tears leaking from her eyes, closing them against the pain threatening to consume her.  “Please Mistress don’t… don’t leave me.”

Kahlan choked back a sob, the pleading tone, the way he was begging her not to – he almost seemed like her Richard, even if it was just for a moment.  “I have to.”  She raised the dagger, positioning it above her heart.  “I’ll wait for you in the Underworld.”

Tears were leaking from his eyes as he watched her.  He couldn’t believe his mistress was leaving him.  How would he live without her?  Just as she was about to stab herself the dagger flew out of her hands, cutting a deep wound across her upper breast before landing in the trunk of a nearby tree with a solid thud.  Richard sighed in relief glad his mistress was still alive but he was horrible concerned about the cut and the blood soaking her white dress..  The look of displeasure on her face made him cringe.  He was grateful it wasn’t directed at him.  “You have displeased my Mistress!”  He yelled as he turned on the old wizard.  “My mistress wishes to die and you stopped her!”

Zedd paid little heed to Richard’s words, walking past him and setting a bony hand on Kahlan’s shoulder.  “Dear One, you know this isn’t what he would want.  He wouldn’t want you to kill yourself for him.  How many times did he tell you he would willingly give you his soul?  He would rather live confessed to you than without you and you know I’m telling you the truth.”

Kahlan nodded, knowing what Zedd was telling her was the truth.  Richard would rather live like this than live without her.  As much as it broke her heart she knew it was how it had to be.  She choked back her tears, not wanting Richard too see how much his mistress was hurting.  It broke her heart to even think of him confessed to her.  This had been her nightmare for as long as she had known him and now it was all coming true.  The man she loved was hers but no by his choice.  He was her slave, devoted to making her happy except she knew deep in her heart she would never be happy again.

“Now let me heal you before you lose too much blood.”

Kahlan nodded and Zedd set to work immediately.  She could feel the blood flow stopping and her flesh and muscles knitting back together under the warm glow of Zedd’s hand.  In a matter of minutes she was healed.  Back to normal save the blood staining her dress and the scar on her chest which seemed only fitting to match the one on her heart that her own actions had caused.

She took a few minutes to remind herself that this was what Richard would want before she finally spoke, turning her attention back to Zedd and speaking softly.  “We should get moving.  We need to get to Pamora and find the stone before anything else happens.”  Zedd nodded his agreement and Kahlan began packing up their things.  She jumped slightly when all of a sudden Richard was right there, so close to her like she had only dreamed of him being.  “Can I help you, Mistress?”  He sounded like nothing more than a puppy begging to please his master.  It broke Kahlan’s heart.

She tried to put on a smile when she turned to him but as soon as she looked into his eyes and saw the mindless eyes of the confessed staring back, her smile faltered.  She had been trained for years to put her emotions aside but now it was all she could do from breaking down in tears.  Slowly she nodded, tilting her head to indicate the pots from dinner that needed to be packed.  “Pack up those, please?” 

Richard beamed, thrilled he had a task he could accomplish and make her happy. “Of course, Mistress.”  He set to work fulfilling her request almost instantly.

It didn’t take them long to pack everything up, Kahlan told Zedd that he should find Flynn since they still needed the ruin on his hand, while she and Richard stop in the next town to wait for him.  Kahlan swung her backpack over her shoulder, ready to start off for the next town when a bony hand grasped her arm.  She turned to see Zedd, his expression anything but joyful but then again he had just lost his grandson to the power of confession.  “May I have a word with you before you leave?”

Despite how much she didn’t want to speak with the man she had caused so much heartache for, she relented.  “Of course, Zedd.”

He pulled her away from Richard and off towards the side of camp, allowing Kahlan to confirm her earlier suspicions. He wanted to talk to her about Richard.  “Kahlan, I know this has hurt you and Spirits know its hurt me but maybe this is an opportunity.”

“What do you mean?”

“Zedd took a deep breath, before continuing.  “Richard is already confessed to you and the line of Confessors is –“

“No.”  She said, cutting him off midsentence.  “I can’t do that to him, Zedd.  I can’t when he has no say in the matter.  He isn’t really the man I love anymore.  Sure it’s his body but his soul is gone.”

“Just think about it will you?  Richard is the best option for both of you.  Besides once the quest is over and you return to Aydindril you know the Council will insist you take a mate.  I know it hurts you to think about but remember it would hurt Richard more to know you two had the chance to be together and you threw it away, preferring to be with a confessed criminal than the man you love.”

She slipped into the calm mask of her confessor’s face in an attempt to hide her tears.  The prospect of being with Richard – of bearing his child was extremely tempting and she knew it would be a long day.  As much as she hated to admit it, Zedd was right.  The council would want her to take a mate as soon as she returned.

They parted ways with Zedd at the fork in the path, she was alone with Richard.  Her mind was still swimming with all that Zedd had told her, the idea was certainly tempting her.  She could be with the man she loved, a hollow shell of the man she loved but the man she loved all the same.  She had dreamed of living a life with him, being is wife, bearing his children, and now fate had sent her the chance to live on of those impossible dreams.  She didn’t know why but the longer she thought about it the more tempted she became.  She didn’t know why she was fighting this urge.  She had desired him for so long and now she finally had the chance.

“Mistress?”

The sound of his voice drew her back from her thoughts, her attention focused on him.  “Yes?”

“You seemed distracted and I didn’t want you to trip.”  He tilted his head to indicate the fallen tree that was blocking the path not five feet in front of them.  “I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

Richard seemed almost afraid that he shouldn’t have warned her, that she was displeased by his concern.  The look in his eyes made her heart ache.  She smiled though, not wanting Richard to think he had displeased her. “Thank you, Richard.”

“You’re welcome, Mistress.”  He started to walk again but she grabbed his arm, spinning him back to look at her.  His eyes were once again filled with the worry and fear so common with confessed men.

“It’s okay,” she said to put his fears at ease. “I just want you to do something for me.”

“Anything, Mistress.”

“Call me Kahlan.”

“Yes, Kahlan.”  He stared at her with open admiration, his eyes glazed over with love and the wonder at being allowed to refer to his mistress by her given name.  He felt honored to be allowed that privilege. 

The rest of the walk to town was quiet and uneventful.  Kahlan spent most of the day going over the pros and cons of taking Richard as her mate.  She loved him and it was hurting her to even think of doing this without his consent, making him a father without him wanting it.  She knew that if he weren’t confessed he would want to be with her, to be the father of her children and she took solace in that.

When they arrived at the Inn, Kahlan saw to getting the room while Richard sought out food for his mistress.  Even though he was only the hollow shell of the man she loved, she still took comfort in the fact that he was with her.  They were alone, something that rarely happened.  She smiled when Richard came into the room with a tray laden with bowls of stew.  “I got you something to eat.  I’m sure you must be hungry after traveling all day.”

Kahlan nodded, taking the stew when he handed it to her. “Thank you Richard.”

He smiled, happy to have pleased her.  “Anything for you, Kahlan.”  He sat next to her and ate his own stew in silence, knowing that she had something on her mind and not wanting to disturb her.

Kahlan was silent for a long time after they finished eating, not really sure what to do about Richard.  She loved him and wanted to be with him yet she didn’t want to force something on him when he wasn’t ready for it.  She knew he loved her before he was confessed and would have given anything to be with her in that way but it wasn’t the same, been it?  She knew he was just the shell of the man she loved but it was still him.  His eyes and his smile that still warmed her heart and caused butterflies to erupt in the pit of her stomach; she knew what was going to happen.  It was only a matter of time.

Richard was starting to worry about his mistress.  She had been lost in thought for so long he didn’t know what was wrong with her.  He knew his confession had upset her greatly but it wasn’t like her to stare blankly out a window for so long, just watching the sun dip lower and lower on the horizon.  “Kahlan, is something wrong?”

She turned away from the window and the ever darkening sky to look into his eyes, hers filling with tears when she saw the love reflected in his.  It was so like how it used to be yet at the same time it was so different.  “Richard think back, think back to before I confessed you.  Did you love me?”

He took her hand in his, hoping that it was okay he was touching her.  “Yes I did and I still do.”

She nodded, tears leaking from her eyes when she continued.  Now that she finally had the strength to ask she wasn’t going to let her emotions get in the way.  “And before I confessed you, would you have wanted to lay with me if we could have?”

The look in his eyes never wavered, all she saw was let love a confessed man has for his mistress.  “Yes I did.”

Kahlan had to choke back a sob at his answer, his words causing a lump in her throat and making it hard for her to breathe.  Part of her didn’t even know if she wanted to know the answer to the next question but she had to ask.  She had to know.  “And before you were confessed, would you have wanted to have a child with me?”

Richard smiled and it surprised her, the way his face lit up almost making him seem like his old self.  “It was my greatest desire.”

She closed her eyes as the silent tears leaked, the pain at the future she would never have consuming her.  She felt so guilty for ruining their chance that at least if nothing else they could have this.  “Richard, do you still want that?  Do you still want to have a child with me?”

He was speechless for a moment, his mind reeling with what she was asking him.  “Yes, Kahlan, I do if that is what you want.”

Her mouth went dry at hearing him admit it.  The confessed couldn’t lie and even if she knew he would do whatever she wanted, part of her was still glad this was what he wanted.  She wouldn’t have been able to live with herself if he hadn’t.  Her hands moved to the lacing of her dress as she locked eyes with him. “Then make love to me.  Give me your child, please?”  She made sure to add the questioning tone to her voice to make sure he knew he had a choice.  She knew that he would do what she wanted but she had to give him the chance to say no, even if it was just to ease her own moral compass.

“Yes Kahlan, I will.”  In a blink he closed the distance between them and took her into his arms, his lips crushing against hers the way she had only dreamed of.  She was stiff under his touch for a moment before the fire he was igniting deep within her belly overcame the small amount of resistance she had been offering.  Their passion and the heat of the moment making the entire world disappear.  Nothing existed for her except him and in that moment she felt like she had her Richard back.

Clothes were quickly discarded and they fell to the bed in a tangle of limbs, the fire between them near the breaking point as they were finally one.  The moment they had dreamed of since they first met was finally happening.  They made love long into the night, the sheer joy of finally being with him nearly outweighing the fact that he was nothing but the impression of the man she loved.  She was in pure bliss and as wonderful as it was she knew if he was himself, it would have been better.  For that reason and that reason alone, as they collapsed in an exhausted heap she cried.  She cried for what she had and the things she had lost.

She was thankful Richard didn’t hear her cry.  She didn’t know if she would have been able to face him in that moment.  She needed time to steel herself against never looking into his eyes and seeing the genuine love reflected back.  In his sleep he pulled her back against his chest, his nose burrowing in her hair.  She closed her eyes and prayed to the Spirits to wake her from this nightmare. Her hopes and dreams shattered the pain of every waking moment with Richard her slave destroying her heart.  As much as she had longed to sleep in his arms, this was not the way she wanted to do it.

Kahlan woke to the sound of pounding on the door of her room, in her still unconscious state she told Richard to get the door, so he did, wrapping a sheet from the bed around his waist as he crossed the room.  He opened the door just a crack and peered out at the dark haired man who had woke his mistress.  “Yes.”

“I must speak with the Mother Confessor.”

“She is sleeping and not to be disturbed.”

“I must speak with her.  The people of the town have captured a Mord’Sith and we need her to execute her.”

The vague voices woke her from her slumber, her eyes fluttering open to see Richard at the door, wrapped in a sheet with his back to her.  She heard the other man say something about a Mord’Sith and her curiosity was spiked.  “Richard, tell him I’ll be down to speak with him in ten minutes.”

Richard did as he was told and shut the door when the man left, returning to find Kahlan sitting up, her tousled hair making her even more attractive, if that was even possible.  He watched as she got out of bed and retrieved her dress from the floor, where it had been discarded the night before.  She slipped it on, lacing up the front as he found his pants.  They dressed in silence before heading downstairs to meet with the man.

They found him waiting for them at a table near the back of the room.  He stood, bowing his head in reverence when Kahlan approached.  “Mother Confessor, the people of this town need your help.”

She tilted her head curiously, interested in what this man thought the people needed her help with.  “And what do they need my help with?” She paused, the questioning silence reminding him that he had yet to introduce himself.

“Logan, Mother Confessor.  My name is Logan.  We have captured a Mord’Sith and would like you to execute her.

Kahlan pulled on the mask of her confessor’s face, hiding what she was really feeling about this.  “Who is this Mord’Sith?”

“Her name is Cara.  She was born in this town years ago but she is Mord’Sith now.  They never change.  The Elders have ordered her to die by confession.”

Kahlan nodded and out of the corner of her eye she saw a brief look pass across Richard’s face.  She knew that part of him that still knew Cara was upset by this.  It bothered her to upset him but the people wanted this and now she could finally avenge her sister.  “Give me a moment.”  He nodded as she moved to stand near Richard, inclining her head towards his and whispering.  “Is something wrong?”

“I feel bad about Cara.  She didn’t have a choice to do what she did.  She was forced to become what she is.”  Kahlan sighed, she knew that even confessed he was still a good person and he was right.  Mord’Sith had no choice.  They forced to become what they are.  “Did I upset you, Kahlan?”

Shaking her head she turned to him.  “No, you could never upset me.  I was just thinking you have a point.  Mord’Sith don’t have a choice but that doesn’t change things.  Cara killed my sister.”

“I know she did, Kahlan but maybe she could be forgiven?  I know you have the ability to believe in second chances.”

Smiling she leaned in and kissed his cheek.  She wasn’t sure if this was the smartest thing to do but she was willing to give it a try.  If Richard believed she could give Cara a second chance then she owed it to him try.  Turning back to Logan she pulled on her confessors face, stealing herself for the argument she knew she would face.

“There is going to be a trial.  Even a Mord’Sith deserves the chance to explain herself.”

“But Mother Confessor, the Elders have already decided her fate.”

“If after they hear testimony they still wish to have her executed I will follow their wishes.”

“Yes Mother Confessor.”

XXX

The trial went as planned, Kahlan let Richard help show the people of Stowcroft what happens when Mord’Sith are broken.  They didn’t seem to care.  It didn’t matter to them that Cara had just been a little girl tortured into submission.  They only saw her for what she grew up to be.  Things just got more complicated when a schoolteacher came to Cara’s defense.  When Kahlan realized she couldn’t read her the woman was quickly taken into custody and stood trial alongside Cara.  Soon everything came to light.  How the teacher had taken a dozen girls who had been her students, using her position as their teacher to find the girls that met the requirements to become Mord’Sith.

When Cara admitted to having killed her own father the Elders made their decision.  Mord’Sith never change and they are never sorry so they should be put to death.  Kahlan nodded her agreement as the two Mord’Sith were led out of the meeting room to the center of town where they were to be confessed.  Richard stood off to the side as Kahlan approached the first woman to be confessed, the schoolteacher who had used her position to kidnap the young girls, including Cara.

“I’ll see you in the Underworld, Mother Confessor.”  The woman spoke as Kahlan clasped her hand around her neck, her power flowing from her instantly claiming the woman’s soul in a warm swirl of magic.  Dropping to her knees the woman stared up at Kahlan, despite the pain associated with the confession of a Mord’Sith her look of love and devotion had not diminished.  “Mistress.”

Kahlan said nothing as she moved towards Cara, the woman on her knees begging for Kahlan to stop and listen to her.  “You’re remorse is meaningless.”

“No wait! There is something you must know.”  She confessed woman cried.  “I tricked her.  I tricked Cara into believing a lie.  I… I tortured her father for so long.  But he never broke.  No matter what I did to him, his love for her was too strong.  I decided if he wouldn’t say what I wanted him to say; he would say nothing at all.  I burned his throat.  Even if he wanted to tell her it was all a lie, he couldn’t.” 

As soon as the words left her mouth she collapsed, gasping for breath and writhing in agony until she died.  No one sympathized with her agonizing death.  She did not regret what she had done.  Kahlan glanced one last time down at the corpse of her first victim before wrapping her hand around Cara’s throat.  Looking deeply into Cara’s eyes, Kahlan was surprised by what she saw.  The Mord’Sith seemed remorseful.  She seemed upset by what she had done.  “Confess me.”  She whispered as tears started leaking from her eyes.  “I deserve it.”

Kahlan couldn’t believe what she was hearing but she knew that Cara was truthful.  She wanted to die.  She honestly felt she no longer deserved to live.  Seeing the remorse in Cara’s eyes, Kahlan’s hand dropped from her throat slowly pulling her hood off of her hair as she turned to the townspeople, the calm mask of the Confessor hiding her feelings as she spoke.  “I have looked into this woman’s eyes and I see now that she is truly remorseful.  Her life was taken from her as a child; I will not take it from her again.”

Immediately the crowd came to life with objections and complaints about how she had promised to carry out the orders of the Elders.  She just stared them down as they complained, listening to it all and brushing off the threats that they would kill Cara themselves.  As the crowd grew more and more restless she glanced at Richard, her eyes locking with his and he saw the fear she was hiding.  She knew things were getting out of control and was afraid of the outcome.

Seeing her worry he went into action, stepping up onto the dais with her and getting between her and the angry crowd.  “The Mother Confessor’s word is final.” 

No one paid any attention to Richard and in a blink the courtyard had turned violent, people fighting Richard and Kahlan in an attempt to reach Cara and kill her.  Arrows were flying and swords were clashing, Richard and Kahlan fighting together in a beautiful, violent dance.  Kahlan glanced at Richard, nodding slightly and letting him know she wanted him to free Cara.  The look she gave him was more than enough instruction. 

The Sword of Truth split her chains before anyone could make a move to stop him.  The three of them fighting against the people who dared go against the Mother Confessor’s wishes.  They almost had the mob pushed back when Richard spotted it.  There was an arrow barreling right towards Kahlan.  Richard didn’t hesitate.  Kahlan watched as time seemed to stand still, the love of her life throwing himself between her and the arrow.  She could hardly bare it when she heard the sickening sound of the arrow piercing his chest as he dropped to the ground, coughing up blood.

Kahlan was at his side in no time, pulling his head into her lap and not caring that with each sputtering breath, her dress was flecked with more and more blood.  She gently brushed his hair off his face as he gasped for breath, her eyes filling with tears as she watched the man she loved dying in her arms.  She had never been more grateful to Cara than she was in that moment.  The Mord’Sith was holding off the remaining members of the mob so Kahlan could be with Richard.

 “K…Kah…lan…” He muttered his voice so soft she had to lean down to hear him. 

She brushed her lips against his forehead before positioning her ear near his mouth, wanting so desperately to hear what he was saying.  She knew he was dying and as the tears spilled from her eyes she quietly reminded herself that she needed to be strong for him, no matter how much it hurt her to do so.  “I love you Richard.”

His breathing slowed and he reached for her, blood gurgling from his mouth with each gasp for breath.  “I… I… love…” His eyes slipped closed and she could feel the life leave him in that moment.  The way he went limp in her arms making her want to die right there with him.  Sobbing, she didn’t even notice Cara had subdued all the other mob members and was rushing towards her.  She didn’t care; her own grief was too much.  Richard was gone and it was all her fault.  She offered no resistance when Cara started pushing her away.  She didn’t care what the Mord’Sith was doing all she wanted was for her life to be over so she could be reunited with her Richard again.

Sobs raked Kahlan’s body as the Mord’Sith pushed her away before dropping beside Richard.  If Kahlan not had been crying so hard she would have seen the few tears stinging Cara’s eyes as she kneeled over Richard’s body.  Without hesitation Cara opened his mouth and lowered her lips to within a breath of his, letting the magic of the Breath of Life build deep in her chest before letting the smoky tendril of magic float from her lips into his.  She desperately hoped it had worked and she had not failed her Lord Rahl but as the seconds ticked by she began to worry the bolt had done more damage than she realized.

Kahlan was oblivious to it all.  It wasn’t until she heard the sputtering coughs minutes later that she refocused her attention.  She watched as Richard chest moved with each shallow breath. He was obviously in a lot of pain but he was alive again.  That was all she cared about.  “K...Kahlan...”  He rasped as he tried to sit up only to be stopped by Cara’s hand on his shoulder.

“I’m here Richard.  Please rest.  I can’t have you dying on me again.”  She pleaded with him, her eyes filling with tears again at the thought of losing him once more.  “I already lost you to confession.  I won’t lose you to the Keeper.”

Richard did as she asked; laying back down to let some of his strength return but what she said last threw him.  Tilting his head he gave her a slightly confused look.  “What do you mean?”  He asked quietly, his voice nothing more than a whisper.  “I’m not confessed anymore.  You haven’t lost me, Kahlan.  You got me back.”

Kahlan smiled as she scooted closer, pulling his head into her lap and running her fingers through his long shaggy hair, so glad that the man she loves is alive once more.“Never leave me again.”  She bent down and placed a light kiss to his forehead, a smile still on her face knowing she had the man she loved back.  “Rest.  Cara will go find Zedd.  He needs to heal you so we don’t lose you all over again.”  Glancing at Cara the look on the Mord’Sith’s face told her she would do what Kahlan asked before she got up and set out to find the wizard.  Cara just hoped she found him before they lost him all over again.

“I’ll never leave you, Kahlan.”  Richard barely managed to have the words leave his lips before slipping into unconsciousness, his body needing to heal if they were to defeat the Keeper.  Kahlan watched over him as he slept, unaware that this whole experience had only made him love her more and that if given the choice, he would willingly submit to confession just to be by her side – forever.